I’m Sorry, I Made That

photo by Donny

An opportunity
Kozar. [vision of a mean-looking person coming to a line of people and slapping someone near the front of the line so hard they fall to the ground and then doing the same to someone towards the end of the line]
He didn’t quit.
‘Cause you make it,
you always make it.
This is not a spiritual Disney Land.
This is not great,
but it has awareness in it.

I’m feeling the world.
I’m feeling my own inadequacies.
I love my dog.
This is great,
such warm sunshine,
and my little boy,
he carries my heart around on his sleeve.
I carry his form around in my eyes.
He’s wonderful to look at.
Those are my propellers,
and I love to be successful with them:
that little boy gets what he needs,
that Rottweiler.

I measure my life by this,
how successful I am with people.
Do we all stand here?
He’s form to look at,
that one sittin’ there.
It must be Himself,
the divine in the room,
all the way to God.
This is not just some form in my head.
Oh my God it’s God,
tangible, real.

How do I count this to you?
I don’t think it’s possible.
Ultra-dimensions pass on through each other
and come hold hands with my life,
like they know me.
That street sign,
it has my name on it.
That t-shirt
beat the impossible.
See that beggar?
Hump that one.
And God waves at yah.
It comes and goes.
India is the attitude of the divine.
You’re not gettin’ it.
It would not be an information folder.
It’s not a belief system.
I’m right there.
I’m not shaking like a leaf.
12 o’clock
I can see divine process,
and you’re saying probably the hardest thing to say:
you’re meeting deity on your terms.

This is not major broadcast news.
Who wants to hear about it?
I stand, I see, I know God.
It’s not like you think,
all fire and brimstone.
It’s love.
The patience They have can move mountains.
I’m all stacked up God,
individual deities in the room too.
They just love yah to death.

How do we measure Them?
Okay I’m human, You’re divine,
and let’s get this point across.
Come here—
like my Rottweiler I can’t say no.
They hand me.
It’s wonderful.

Okay you can’t see Them.
How do I call out to you?
You’re my bro, see.
They are not yet my next of kin.
It’s this gulf/divide. [words spoken simultaneously]
They come here in representation.
Representation divides my room.
I can’t bite the hand that feeds me,
but it’s all aglow.

What do we do with all this see?
Show it to yah.
You’ll deny it.
You won’t like it.
But the mountain has some of yah,
if you’re wide awake,
and God’ll think you’ll die,
you can’t hold ‘im.

I would take you to summer school.
Hop on my bus.
It’s crowded.
Who will my drink companion?
I’m lookin’ at an empty bus.
Well here’s lookin’ at yah kid.
I’m all full of deity.

Why can’t I transform?
Okay, I’m still in ordinary consciousness.
What’s the deal?
Flash floods,
people just crowd me out of God.
They’re my touchy-feely reality.
I have to live with them.
It gets bigger all the time,
the living room of embodied existence,
I mean the people interacting with mine.
Okay, get rid of it.
That’s not possible.

I have to live up to you,
and Douglas I do.
That’s my partner.
Where do we go with all this human?
You can’t tell ‘em you’re out to lunch.
All this density defies deity,
or does it?
Density of human being,
can we control that?

Density of human being we can get better.
We can put everybody at their stations
and have a crowded room to ourselves,
when our very own room is impossible.
I know how to do that with that boy,
put him to his whatever.
This takes timing and security.
You have to know when to go in
and realize you’re safe to do that.
You’re buildin’ walls
that don’t keep people out as much as you in.
You see the lighter?

Instructing my house,
arguably a bit more busy than yours.
I think the magic has to go to the transformation.
We’re opening divine consciousness.
It’s the deity in the room.
Oh and speaking of which,
for love of Rottweiler
I do not control this poem.
Do you know how lovely a Rottweiler is?
I’m here for deity.
I mean I must be.
I wanna be.
It’s not happenin’.

They’re there for me.
All the dogs burst through the door,
have joined me on the bed.
Oh those dogs.
Now listen,
I’m giving you instructions I’m gettin’.
Bruno’s eating a pair of shorts.
Bruno!
A blow by blow poem. [actually describing events in my room as they happen]
Now take this job and shove it.
Can we trust divine process?
It’s so large.
It destroys us.

Alright poet clear the room.
I’m not killin’ yah.
Even when it’s got our good at heart,
it makes us lift the human race higher than we are
every time we say the word.
I’m expressive of deity.
I am so expressive of human.
Everything’s a divine moment you see.
I can’t get over it.
I’m gonna go pet my Rottweiler.
There are no complications there.

A reader is left wondering what to do,
and you know I’m listenin’ too.
Turn God into slime,
or silly putty,
just stay sober.
I’m gonna
go to every page of this diary.
I’m not gonna be a fool.
I’m gonna put my relations on rightly:
stand back and see God,
all the time.

Weird Alf,
take it from here.
Oh no it’s terrible.
You know I’m talking about mocking videos,
Auroville infighting,
all this irony,
all these videos.
Sit down.
Well he has never failed on your science test.
Wait his test.
You’ll get caught up in something,
and you’re not the angel in the room.
We say nobody’s perfect.
What we mean is
wow, nobody’s good.

Now, starting with the elementary school,
we’re gonna look through that door.
Where gonna look
at God see there.
It has a hand on your life
that your dog can show you.
You can put your foot down,
and the dog knows you’re his master,
or you can look at that tea kettle.
It’s an attention grabber.
Now we can go to that military tank.
No it’s not aimed at us.
It’s protection.

How do we find God?
Well I’ve given you the first number:
I made a mistake.
It happens to the best of us.
I’m having one
big relationship
with the world through God.
Now listen,
you have to pick God up somehow.
It’s not done by books and tea stories.
There are no other eyes but God,
and that’s half the equation.
God sees even without eyes.
It’s not a blind relationship.
You’re all over it.
You’re there in the midst.
Peel back the walls.

Boy double field have I done.
I don’t know, a counter offensive.
Take back the city of Kyiv.
We’re military commanders.
We’ve got to get our capitol straight.
That’s the only thing holding us up for war.
The military is on my side.
We let the divine victory go ahead.
This is major defeat for the enemy.
You can’t give them soosh anymore,
that sudden life force
they get from bad relations.
These are not human creatures.
They’re the anti-divine.

Fuck all this raincoat.
That’s a blow off statement.
I’m a pop singer.
I’m going to bring you down to science.
God is not cultivated clay.
God is right there in your room.
You can’t get nothing out of Him.
You’re a pauper when it comes to purpose.
You have no burning need.
Notice God is there
when life can’t go on without Him.
This is an apple yard.
I don’t think despair has you by the throat.
You’re not in hell on earth.
That’s another kind of find Him.

You’re really restricted.
There is no room for you in society.
You try to keep up appearances.
You can’t define yourself.
You plainly see your inadequacies,
and you need help.
This is beyond human repair.
I wonder to suicide,
or I’m scarin’ to Mexico.
It’s got so bad he wants to bring something back.
These are the circumstances to bring God into my life.
I don’t care about the double feelings.
God to come in.

You wanna contact with the two brothers.
I pick the color O’Neill. [spoken in Douglas’ voice]
Taste sweet.
I think gonna sell the island.
You mean he’s gonna be known by the public?
Did he bite you?
No he didn’t. [vision of Nitish running off a street dog with a stick, and it seemed like it bit him, but it didn’t. I’m speaking the two lines to him in the vision]
There is protest.
There is this one
say it here,
and I watch while the balloon take me.
But you'd probably think it bites living in an Amish paradise. [heard sung by Weird Al, “Amish Paradise”]
It was God don’t wanna tell yah.

Where do we rose the poem,
an Amish simplicity in Auroville?
I think we’re talking to everybody.
Great Thou art.
No need to wear homespun clothes,
get all down and dirty
in fixin’ crops.
You can be an urbanite,
or not.
Where we come simple is God.
He’s the keeper
of our relationships human.
We look at all things through Him.
Can you envision this?

Now fight that crowd
God in the flesh.
We are only meeting ourselves.
Nobody has it right in Auroville.
Divine consciousness came.
I think you all spit on it.
Is there anyone on earth that doesn’t?
Few of you.

On top of Auroville
divine process happens.
You would not like to know I’m there.
I’m sorry,
this happens.
An Amish simplicity round house,
I’m doin’ the best I can.
Could you meet me up there?

The Cool Rictus on Laugh’s Face

Rascal, ten weeks

Sometimes there are only things between me and God worth sharing.
Where your dog died of parvo,
the depth you have gained,
the outlook on life,
brings worlds to you.
Bring this home to you.

Death has taken my faith in You.
Little Rascal screamed.
Can I sum up that scream?
I’m in agony.
Is this what it means to live/love? [words spoken simultaneously]
Is there death the only hope?

What wisdom is this,
to kill a puppy?
My muse will testify to the lies
of the supposed help.
Could I not be counseled,
warned of the lies being told?
You remained silent,
letting them use Your voice.

Even now I’m brahmachari,
and that makes no difference.
What are You trying to prove?
What more do You want from me?
I don’t understand Your cruelty.
What’s it for?
Are You just urgent business,
heedless of the lives You topple?

Do little puppies matter?
And what about our dogs?
Do You just kill them to gain our obedience,
drag out their agony for days?
How are you different from the devils you fight?
How are you different from man?

What’s next,
my death?
Would you believe I’m real?
And I have rent the veil
between You and the Earth,
and we are expendable in Your work.
Pain and blood,
is that the base with which You make worlds,
so that Your world may never fall?

What occasion is this,
to throw our children away,
to make them suffer so?
And do You have a babysitter
to make sure You see us as more than pawns on a field?
Include real
when You look at us
please I beg you Joseph Smith.

Now Sri Aurobindo,
you’re taking him,
and Rascal,
to build Your sternness on life’s open base.
Can the likes of me stop You?
Compassion, oh my master compassion
build this world with Thee.
Can You hear me?
I’ll wait and see.

Booster over, you know.
No need to tell people about our caring experience,
but to save a life is to change destiny,
and there was a lot
little Rascal carried.

Why didn’t You tell me?
Hitted it like this:
death could not even be admitted.
We listen to you.
Anear Conchum,
You know I feed her sometimes.
Can you get bigger than all these objects you’re taking care of?
You’re so in with them you’re missing Me.
I’m real, you know.
Now steady
through the strongest hold ever
on the United States military.

All this is not going to matter.
I just forget about it
when Daddy holds me softly awake.
Time’s comin’.

Well I heard it,
didn’t gamble this in my mind,
and I speak to the divine in my room,
and know that I know that they’re there.
Now where do we begin?
Maybe you oughta brush your teeth.
You pick a folder and
be a little unkind.
It’s your care-body too.
Now give it attention.

This is Earth business,
keeping the higher ground.
Unbelievable the pain on this Earth,
and even God partakes in,
or stands aloof while we die
in more pain than we can bear.
Can we remedy this?

No God no,
don’t use our pain as Your weapon
to bend us to Your will.
I know I’m speaking out of line.
Would You say it differently?

I had to go file on me.
As much as God’s right there holding your hand,
why would you want to be an instrument of the divine?
You get no rewards.
You just get solemn looks.
Nobody knows how to handle you.
You talk about the untalked,
and the most liberal person in the room
just wants you to shut up.
You open doors
that people can’t see,
and they think you’re the dumber for it.

Why does life matter?
If it didn’t I wouldn’t talk to you.
Do you hear me?
I’ve mentioned what can’t be taught.
This is the part of God no one understands.
Do you know God?
Did you know He grows?
And it is precisely here it is needed.

I put it back in sync.
I don’t deny God.
I just want Him to grow
to be better than God.
He can see the sufferin’.
And don’t punish the little ones
for its innocence in climbing life.
Let every motion picture
take no puppy down into hell
I ask of you God.