I’m a soul warrior defeated. I’m immortal but can’t heal, shot by arrows of betrayal on the top of the lonely mountain. The wounds are deep and cold. Wind burns my wounds and waiting till the cold nights stop.
What do I do? Do I build a house on top of the mountain, or do I find a cave? I hate myself feels like I’m the evil spirit. The ocean is my tears. The pain is my curse breaking the wall of sanity and peeking through it.
I once heard that I’ll be the one giving the world peace. I can’t even give peace to myself. And that I’ll find eternal peace. I’ll give freedom to the world. I need someone to set me free, and the voices that do whisper to me is that there is peace in heaven that’s not in store for me yet.
If I give up now I give up faith in God. This life will be a burden. I’ll have nothing to lose, no strings, fall for eternity into the abyss.
Now I can see how evil people are forged, and those evil people proved that their parents won the game and have accepted the curse.
This moment I make a promise to myself on 30/7/25, 7:30, that I kneel down before no one, and that this is my game, my controller. I’ll make it clear as your eye, and I write my own story in my own brand.
Nithish, a 13-year-old Tamil boy, wrote this poem. This blog has chronicled his plight for over a year now. He’s recently begun writing poems again. To view his previous work, what he wrote before his ordeal began, click on the Page Nithish’s Blog on the top of this post. The difference is writing about the coming night and being in that night.
I, or my muse rather, has written to him this response, and it’s being smuggled to him now:
And the word crashes with God. What's the name of the monster? It's not yourself. Do the relationship as I do. Don't banish God to the outer ocean. God is bigger than your pen, than your thoughts of him. Alright baby, look into yourself and say, "I want to be the biggest truth I am. I want to feel this truth inside me startling my days. No problem this truth slips out of my hands. I will pick it up again. It is not darkness."
photo of the author by a camera salesman, image by the author
I wanted to die. Everybody knows how to die. Sufferin’ from panic disorder my only friend. I have no comfort in anyone, and this woe is me will not say it properly. I cannot believe I have no worth to anyone. I’m just a field of crap, and I have seen God’s eyes, feel the world’s pain like my own.
I sit in a height of thought where almost no footing is. I’ve taken you there in our thought realms unawares. The All-Negating Absolute has me by the throat, and even God is buried in immensity. I cannot discover God one last time as who we need in immensity.
3:33, 28-years-old, I can’t give God the proper numbers. He is too right and wrong. Mexican, He took my pants off and raped me at seven. It hurt too much to tell anybody. I was cleaved.
Why am I telling you this? Afraid to tell anybody, I put back action comin’ up in the rear. Squealin’ inside me, they crossed death too a courier of the same disease, those little tummies.
I can’t give you molten lava and expect you to cherish me. I can’t even say my name. I’m a brick in a wall that you don’t identify with, bricks in the same wall.
Up here, I’m a way to photography that wall, to hold it out open to daylight. I’m a measure of that peace, but you can’t come to terms with me. I’ve sinned to much for God cares, or I remind you of sin. I’m an enigma with an open door. God the carnage at Troy, sit back everybody and tell me what hero came home. The canonical field of Troy.
Do it again, I stand before you now. Will you hear me? We swim in oceans of blood. Don’t underestimate life. There’s a moment before you when you can give it to the challenge it tasks a man with, and he must stand alone in immensity and be the voice no one wants to hear turning every ear on to a future in ideas that will save us all come that future, whether I’m the voice that says them or not.
See me today sittin' with you holdin’ your hand likewise tell me the world has turned its back to you too. A pencil in agony, it’s too early to tell, and I’m a measure of that immensity.
So brothers and sisters, I’d help you. Those tummies are in good hands. You cannot electrify them like that, put them on lurch little boys and little girls.
A needle in a haystack give you a tap. Raise Supermind, I’d be one in the world. Get ‘im a chair to latch from our very disease and bring us all to peace.
You know how it works: no ignoring you world enigma. My OMs are here. My front door’s open. Enjoy a body of ideas. Do it again, I’m really intercepting your thought.
I open up my face in Brahman.
Something happened.
Death lives on in each of us.
Transient houses you made us feel.
Can we all surrender to hatred?
To relations with each other
I bring the death penalty;
I’ve packaged everything—
we hear death talkin’.
Now will you please listen?
Give this say to an individual,
not a group of any nation or purpose,
some wisdom on control.
Absolutely
parallel balance,
that’s the frame I put this in,
on the level.
Hey,
you alright?
I just put love in enemy territory.
Will I make it out of here alive?
You tell me.
My God that’s balance,
and let’s score you again
just too worth it.
And nobody walks me huh?
It’s crazy but
I go all out with this one,
and your attitudes about how social change comes about,
the best advice.
I put my peril down
and tell you the safe, wholesome fight for everyone.
You will kill me here I know,
if you break truth with me,
of course.
He tore down his statue of self-defense and said one big one today,
Smile Records.
All I want from poetry is my two front teeth.
We don’t need a bully.
The safest place for me to be is away from you.
I’m volunteering at your stacked deck
straight ahead.
Unbelievable.
Do me a favor,
I’m telling you
don’t press defcon 4.
We’re at the Geneva Convention.
It’s so shallow
if I even make it this far.
I want your hands off hate.
We’ve got to get down into the bowels of society to do that.
That’s why I’m chargin’ bulls
wearin’ red.
I’m down to this science,
and you’re in the war room.
You know what he give me?
Imaginations control,
nobody harm one another in their thoughts.
Can you see that in your mind?
This is hot stuff.
This is how we pay for peace
Emily.
Do a father to father talk about peace with Emily.
Her underwear got crowded out
by someone in her neighborhood
when she was seven or eight.
The backlist sells cookies so much slower.
She looks blind, hyperactive.
Identify that culprit with me.
No, identify with the culprit.
I’ve just spoken the secret formula that will save the world.
I’ve just spoken huge change.
You have my record.
It was a peace mission.
You’re just the Alamo.
Behind you,
that’s not a peacemaker.
Someone in the vestibules
throwing us all to evil.
They even have a financial access.
Hide and seek
the world demon.
And pray you don’t see him.
It’s a calamity.
Donny, filter.
Read the endless pages.
I’ll have the affordable print tomorrow.
I just copy movies.
I don’t have a thing to say that flowers
a reader’s turnover.
I don’t get published in the sky.
I just sit in my room and write
long letters to humanity.
I’m a shrill voice.
I run the gauntlet of change.
I slip and slide all the time
all over your meaning’s worth.
I Excalibur this now,
put it in a format for you to use/see. [words spoken simultaneously]
Do me a favor,
huddle up.
We’ve got no other choice.
I think the Griffins and the McCoys said that.
Did I just say enemies should speak to each other?
Without contempt.
I’m a Jew you know that.
Don’t hate me for it.
I’m a rightwing political bureau.
I think we would even charity you.
Do suicide
and pull down your pants a pedophile;
can you find anyone that doesn’t want you dead
or not allowed to breathe?
This is poetry central,
giving time a voice
so it can move us away from destruction and decay,
so it can bring meaning into our lives,
give sense to things,
and it can get bigger than all that
be there for us.
It can evolve time.
That’s the secret to noon.
We are not worthy of its hour.
We can’t get out of our sleeping beds.
The world is on fire,
and everybody thinks it’s as plain as day:
horse rider you started it,
you comin’
from a land seize,
or the hideous government,
or a cooperation bring us to our knees.
We’re to blame for the execution,
all of us,
each one of us.
You hear that?
You’re on it all the time.
A government oppresses its people,
and nobody sees the people themselves flavor it.
Take the litmus test.
Who supplies them with the labor
to enforce and to punish and to obey?
The numbers wanting free,
that’s not big enough to form a majority, is it?
And even they oppress
the numbers wanting to obey.
Do we call them traitors?
Let’s click on you.
You would not accept my submission, would yah?
I don’t even think you’d understand it.
Pop goes the weasel.
Another one bites the dust. [heard sung by Queen, line names song]
Oh the poems I’ve wasted on you.
Can I get at this singular event,
I get taken in by somebody
a poet speaking?
I’m still dawn on social approval.
Can we get at being human?
This poem’s for you,
a higher source for love,
even when you’ve exposed yourself on TV.
So filled our cabinet and left.
I’m a garbage bag.
I take only a minute to throw away,
but take a minute and look.
I’m sculptured,
rounded to your looks on things.
You know what you told me when you were a child,
sooner or later—
thank you for the Pepto-Bismol,
so I can start with you
just knock on the door and tell ‘em you’re hungry dammit,
for the zest of life,
more than someone who sucks their thumb;
I need to know I’m safe, okay?
I’m this contradiction in terms—
that kid.
This is the draw-sight for human beings:
love everybody’s neighbor,
love and support.
Crazy kid,
he loves a pedophile.
We give it much more than it came from,
call it much more than it is:
I love you too honey child.
You hear us now.
We are not strangers on earth.
We carry the world in the litany of our smile.
That’s 12 o’clock high.
That’s our love song.
Is that child safe with me?
We bring the world together.
Do you wanna make climate?
It worked for our team so much.
Film this great, narrow, stone bed.
To put them in the mall?
Pathway.
I’ll have a Rottweiler to try to stay down there
to put you in touch with time.
She just makes everything so real.
She's down there right now,
a love angle.
Can we calamity this?
That’s the nature of this paper,
the spirit of love.
And I’ve just waved a red flag under your nose.
Control yourself, will yah?
I’m not asking you to accept pain to a child
or harm done to him.
I think I’ve reached into your hate basket and pulled out the biggest one:
you can’t put these two together
and make a story out of love.
Self-defense mechanisms aside,
that’s how I define the world:
and he’s safe with me.
Now let’s look at your self-doubts.
Is he safe with you?
Will you kill him because you’ve seen him on this page
close to someone who loves boys?
Is this to make you feel safe?
Look,
let’s give everybody some room to breathe.
Mighty this one;
imagine this one—
I have a missed call:
no,
it’s not a hateful love.
It’s right on time:
for all the world to see.
Have you ever seen the field of lyrics?
They’re divine emails
to singers, songwriters, and the sunlit path.
Yah hear ‘em?
They wouldn’t mail you to hell.
They come on wings of golden charm
in a literary ear,
all of them
that define music.
How easily they come
rollin’ in a song.
I’ve sideswiped a mirror.
This just doesn’t sound right.
Force, cram, there, stars.
Oh my the lyrics,
they need a water table.
I’m about your engines of change.
I defy the world.
You hear that rock 'n roll?
It just poured in.
Even love songs lit it.
And the 60s went on
until we could hear the sound no more.
It really rolled in then.
Lyrics told us what to do:
be kind to your brother;
watch the looking glass;
we don’t need no thought control. [heard sung, Pink Floyd, “Another Brick in the Wall”]
And bands played on.
They all got out of sorts.
The sound of music [heard sung, R.E.M., variation on lyrics “You Are the Everything”]
compensates for society’s hard ways.
You know what I’m talkin’ about.
Music glows.
I don’t know how to tell you to control it.
It’s your business when to turn it off,
but don’t you want that bare reality boy,
you and the world
face to face?
You’d use that too
to come together on yourself.
Bare bottom reality,
where we find ourselves in fight,
come on let’s get out of here
to the tune of music.
Use a song to fight?
Let’s listen to reality.
Billy don’t be a hero. [heard sung by Bo Donaldson, line names song]
Thanks for calling in,
but sometimes reality’s really fucked, you know?
and you’d die if you didn’t take up arms,
you and your whole family,
a Ukraine emergency.
You, see the difference?
I’m loud enough.
I just don’t know where to begin.
I’m on sleaze mode,
and I just ego the world away,
or I’ve lost my tune
in a bucket
of melodyless words.
I don’t bring you anywhere
the skylight gets ahold of yah.
I’m pretty and all,
sometimes,
but I’m awfully small with sharks.
Today’s music, right?
I ego the moon away.
Give it a Grammy
to correct the past.
I’m on it—
a racially motivated statement.
Got a guitar,
just give it your play
in the do’s of yourself.
Music will come rollin’ off your lips
when you trouble time with words
that bring the world together
on your knee,
and you’re rockin’ it to sleep
in its ballroom,
no matter how loud it gets,
no matter how tune.
Oh you open yourself
in the rhythm of your ear.
Hear that
the light of music. [heard sung by R.E.M., “You Are the Everything”]
It’s in your neighborhood.
It’s comin’ upon yah now.
Play that song.
If you want to sing out sing out. [heard sung by Cat Stevens, line name of song]
You hear music?
Do you know how to listen?
It’s a metaphor for change.
You’ve got to get down there and do it,
make it better,
your crumble with the world.
It means so much.
Now you’re listenin’
to another radio program
than the one you usually hear.
It’s got music in it.
It’s also got love.
It doesn’t neglect you.
It tells yah how to sing.
It’s a motion on a better world,
a better you,
a better me.
The music of rebellion,
I’m talkin’ to it.
I don’t think we’d leave out our own change,
would we, “Dream On”?
Unbelievable
the way that song rocks us,
so help us look at ourselves,
rollin’ and all.
There’s a distance.
He’s fishin’ me off.
He’s right.
We can’t get at music’s purpose.
I say change,
and I’m puttin’ words on starlight.
I mean heavy
a world has deepened in music.
It gathers us
way beyond the song.
This is experimental candy.
It’s got loads behind it.
It will refashion our world if we let it.
It will get bigger than time.
It’s in your inner ear.
Play it out.
Not so much what,
what in the world—
who dat?
It’s not the Devil son.
It’s glory.
I’m not gettin’ a chair or somethin’.
I’m gettin’ all this juice
to dance my religions/relations. [two words spoken simultaneously]
Teletransport investigations,
I think we’ve just spoken easy money.
Let me see your hand.
You would have no hair on the palm
if you want to be transported right
with another.
I mean it wouldn’t be about gettin’ laid
that brings you to world union.
Okay you’ve got my song,
and I give it to yah
for free.
Can we mix music and money?
A need to get rich can’t.
Jay,
I just want to say
you ease my music.
But would I let it lead the song?
It doesn’t sing,
a laboratory
substances faces only.
Unbelievable
where we need to see the world.
It’s in our holding hands.
Without it eclipsin’ the world—
it’s not at a pot party.
Hey, you know,
can we play that again,
a thing on
making rules?
We dance here.
It’s not how we make the world.
We come together on ourselves, you know?
World understanding dim.
I got your door.
It’s so sweet it’s in the air.
It will be music,
and then you sing,
you sing the song.
You remember me.
I was so 60s.
I brought you the right music
for social revolution,
to change the world
into the peace that will change the world,
into a love that will last longer than you feelin’ it,
into a brotherhood that goes beyond race and people-kind.
Let’s make this revolution happen.
Let’s go to town on music.
Open
to your brother.
To my brother?
We need peace
to make this music happen,
to get this show on the road.
If he’s got a different opinion than you he’s your friend.
If she’s disagrees with you you still let ‘er in.
You see my catfish?
You see the food bank?
You see where we all need to improve?
This is a weird pharmacy.
You actually give your brother your time,
give your sister a shoulder to lean on,
and they disagree with you what if?
Oh my puddin’ and pie,
don’t feel bad.
Don’t get all upset.
Give them the love on your corner
without bendin’ the rules:
keeping out of opinion debate
and trying to convert one another
to what you believe in.
Opinion circles
never give up.
You have to give in.
You have to,
no matter what,
no matter who you are.
Yes,
talking that’s not listening.
After all man,
we’ve got so much work to do
gettin’ our hearing to hear past TVs
and radio poles.
We need to hear music.
We got to right now.
It’s the light of the world,
so much paper
to put that in your vision,
so much time
for you to see.
Alright music industry,
crank it out.
Who we gonna work with,
the major groups and singers?
They’re hardly listenin’
to where music reaches us
a better generation,
the pop sound
that joins reality to love.
You
are so romantic
you love the world.
It can’t be faked.
I’m singin’ it everyday,
where I play the world,
this clavicle of house,
this Earth of mine.
I can get better at.
I can improve.
One final word:
make peace within meditation the meditation begins.
God it’s beautiful.
How’d you do in your family?
Come over here.
Look’s like burnt out.
They subset got on the phone.
It’s gonna last you again.
Your family is the arrangement,
those people in front of you,
whoever they are.
There’s your boss.
Oh history of change it’s here.
Music will tell yah.
Listen.
Let’s get out of town square.
Falls
the world in,
and we’re go back to music.
Thought of giving it all away
to a registered charity,
if I ever get outta here. [three lines heard sung by Paul McCartney and Wings, “Band on the Run”]
Come on Paul let’s go.
We’ve got music to attend to.
Harm's End 