Tag: grief

The Hat’s on Lisa

On By Donny Lee DukeIn film photography, Poetry, reincarnationLeave a comment
unless otherwise noted, photos by Donny, black and white photos developed by him
When you have sad news,
that murder with Lisa,
a parenting
did not handle it right.
How do I make amends?
You give her what she wants,
the tall part of the story.
She is the sacrifice of the story.
She is your dog.
What does Lisa’s death day mean?
It’s the ascension of dog.
She is taking on her human,
and with consciousness pain she does that,
birthing into another world.
We greet her there.
This has gone on for some time.
You need to meet,
and she forgives you and moves on.
Will she be there when I die?
This is not just some free-for-all.
It’s consciousness arranged.
That will be your other side guide dog,
and she will accompany you in death.
Don’t worry she’s your angel.

Three years ago today, on June 3, the day before my 60th birthday, my beloved Lisa Joy Rottweiler died in my bed surrounded by everybody in our house. Dr. JP was our vet, had been for some years, had been to our house many times, but it was during lockdown, and he was shifting to a new location for his clinic, and he neglected Lisa and misdiagnosed her condition and gave her tablets that caused kidney failure, and he knew she had kidney disease. We took her to an expensive dog hospital in Chennai, and they made a bad decision to have her undergo dialysis when she was septic inside. I had to take her across town to the government vet hospital, and they wanted to admit her but told me I could not stay with her, and so I asked that, if I took her home and got her the treatments she needed, would she live, and he said yes. She died that night.

She did not pass rightly but got trapped in some dark place in-between life and death. I was going into lucid dream and calling her, did that several times, but she would not come to me so that I could help her rise out of there. I learned to my horror that she thought I’d killed her, as I’d unknowingly given her the tablets that made her kidneys fail, and I made that bad decision in Chennai, because of wanting the pleasure of spending my birthday with my boy, Nithish, who was back home in Pondicherry.

She was so present at our house after her death, but it was Nithish that saw her in dream the most. I had visions of her all day long, but she would not let me pet her or hold her big, beautiful head in my hands. She would just look at me with such sadness and the look you give someone when they’ve utterly betrayed you. She began changing forms, as soon after death we do that, and our bodies do not stay as we know them. She became very deformed. Demons came to claim her, as she was on the outskirts of hell. She fought them off and somehow managed to find a place there so she could always see me. Despite thinking that I’d killed her, I was still the love of her life, and she did not want to leave me. It was horrible, heartbreaking situation.

From the moment she died, I was in heavy grief, similar to that I’ve felt with Nithish being taken from me, and it’s as though he is dead because I can’t see him or talk to him. I gave her my tears, a lot or tears, but it didn’t show her I didn’t kill her. To this day, three years later, it’s still unresolved, and I am still in grief over her.

Photo by Nithish

On the first anniversary of her death Nithish met her in a movie theater in a dream. She was the only one in the theater, and Nithish came in, saw her seated about in the middle of the theater, and he went and sat next to her. Then on the screen began to show images of Lisa with Nithish and me in her life with us. Then she looked at him very lovingly, very sadly, and the dream ended.

The extraordinary thing about Lisa is she is to be human in her next life and was a dog with almost human eyes and feelings. I believe that dogs and cats are with us, why we brought them into our fire circle so long ago, to be the species that is the jumping off place to the human being in the evolution of the soul. Lisa is now in the afterlife on the way to being a human being in her next life, a dog developed to the upmost a dog can be developed in terms of consciousness and proximity to human, and she has managed to find a niche there so to continue to see me and present herself to me so to resolve her death, but it’s a heaven place she’s at; she’s no longer in darkness. This in itself is incredible for a dog to do, but now she’s reaching out on her death day to tell me what she wants, and I’m giving it to her, Lisa my dog, above any other dog I have. She sacrificed her life so Nithish and I can be together again, so our relationship continues, and she’s at the top of the story.

photo by Kamesh

The Terms of Abuse

On By Donny Lee DukeIn childhood education, ego activism, PoetryLeave a comment
photos by the author
I will not speak.
My inability to speak
keeps this bottled up inside me
so I don’t feel it.
Do you trust me?
Some day
I will touch this pain again
and tell you how much I love you my very precious daddy.
I cannot do that now.
I’m sorry.
It hurts too much.

Signed, Nithish

Okay world,
you got your answer.
The boy will not stand up for me.
He will simply let me die
without saying a word,
if I choose to do a hunger strike.
That is powerful pain
I have to deal with,
my boy’s denial of me
when I am doing everything I can to help him,
as I promised I would
when I spoke to you on the phone Nithish,
not long ago.
Has it only been two weeks?

Okay Sandiya what can I say but I’m sorry?
I made a very big mistake
in challenging your pride,
and no there was no blackmail
with the intention of putting you or your husband in jail,
no matter what the boy said
the day you took him from my home.
He was confused.
Throughout these two months,
in everything I’ve done,
in everyone I’ve spoken to,
I did not try to put you in jail.
I made no attempt to file a case
of any kind.
The video lies there unopened.
It’s never been used to get you arrested.

Will you please forgive me?
If not for me,
then for the sake of your son?
He needs me and you know it.
His heart is a battlefield,
and he’s just lost a major battle of the war.
You don’t understand love,
how it can’t be killed,
and it only hurts your child to try.

Do you know how much time together we have spent?
Many years of his childhood,
formitable years,
influential years.
We have been so together for so long,
and he can’t just wipe that out of his life,
like it never happened.
It’s too big a hole in his childhood.
He can’t get rid of it.
What you are asking of him is too much,
and it is too cruel.

I can only ask you again to forgive me
for this boy’s sake.
Where does this go?
Let me see him,
and we can avoid this drastic measure
I’m about to take.
Can you see that?
Can you see that with your heart?

After all the years we’ve spent together Sandiya,
since you yourself was 12,
you do not want to let me die
refusing to allow me just two hours alone with your son,
after all that we’ve been through together
for so long.
Please Sandiya listen.
For God’s sake listen,
and let us avoid catastrophe,
let us avoid more pain.
Lay down your arms,
and I lay down mine,
and let us make peace
for children’s sake,
and I do not have to lay down my life
for the sake of this boy.
It is not just me seeing him;
it’s about letting Nithish be Nithish,
what I will truly be fighting for.

Will you accept my apologies?
And we can move on,
get through this,
and give Nithish what he truly needs,
and he needs both of us for that future.
Listen to his English.
Listen to his ideas,
his manner of speaking,
his manner of thinking.
That is my stamp upon him not yours.
You are not an intellectual
nor someone culturally refined.
I am sorry but you aren’t.
I have sophisticated this boy,
cultured him,
in things that are the high pass of humanity,
and I have shown him God
reaching down into his life,
and I have shown him the opening
to the well of soul.

Listen to his poetry very carefully,
and you will not find the stupidity of a child.
That is not a baby there
rattling off
with no will of his own.
It is a very alive and mature soul
wanting this boy to fulfill his purpose
to manage his destiny,
and that is not my destiny nor yours.
It belongs to Nithish alone.
Grant that to him
and let us pass
this brush with death.
I beg you Sandiya.
What else can I do?

I can give him America
and U.S. citizenship
and what his future could do with that,
anywhere in the world.
You can’t give him that.
You are limited to India
for this boy.
Why can’t I open up the world to him?
Because you need him to fulfill your life?
Isn’t that what you told him I wanted him for?
Please Sandiya,
think on yourself.
Doing evil to me with no goodness involved
is a grave sin,
and it will haunt you
for the rest of your days
if we cannot make amends,
and my death will be between you and Nithish
even unto the afterlife,
if you let me die and do not let him to speak.

Let us put his future together,
as I am not a mean man,
unlettered.
I have the college education you want for him,
and I have the experience of an unusual and varied lifetime
that reaches for humanity’s heart.
I do not believe you are filled with so much hate you will let me die.
I do not,
and I stake my life on that belief.
It is not my folly that I hunger strike.
It is your folly,
your heartbreaking refusal to let the boy and I see each other.
Okay Sandiya,
where do we go from here?
It's for Nithish.

Divine Guidance Fills the Room

On By Donny Lee DukeIn childhood education, ego activism, PoetryLeave a comment 
Stop trying to send it,
the right posture.
I’m a dog.
I can’t handle this.
I just know I’m sick.
I don’t know what to do with you.
You are too big for me,
and I am so out of place
I look for you.

What is the background ruler?
You’re in my consciousness a healing element all the time.
You have your episodes.
You’re trying to heal me.
You see my pain.
I don’t know what to do about it.
Not being able to tell my mother
that you are good for me
is my special cowardness.

She doesn’t understand.
She could care less what you feel.
Her hatred is so intense it scares me,
and why did it suddenly come?
She’s not the right person for it,
remove you from the scene.
She can’t even do it.
Okay do I need you?

You are my living defense,
no matter what I do to you.
You have love in the places I hurt you.
Why can’t I do that?
Do you know that I’ve thrown you out in the street?
I do not place my hand on phone calls.
I am through you with you,
finished,
but I don’t know how to do that.
You’re so alive in me.
You’re so there.

What do I do about you?
I keep asking that question.
You are so there for me I can hardly believe it.
You can call yourself love.

A fine touch on that consciousness
I have started your hand.
You will bring him back to you shortly.
He loves you so very much.
I understand your misgivings about Us.
We must seem horrible,
and you don’t know the reasons for things,
and you don’t know how to tell the muse.
It just runs with things
and gives them pass.
Your hopes and fears are a coloring sensation.

Now what’ve We done here?
How have We surrounded you with Nithish?
You will greet him you will see him you will be with him
in some short meeting on the way.
This has got you down
because it hasn’t happened
and looks like it never will.
You think this present attempt has failed,
and you’ve started your hunger strike
by announcing it on the news,
not yet though in your arms.

You’re sure right about one thing:
We’ve messed up with Nithish.
We don’t know how to lift him.
We don’t know how to care for him.
There is too much in the way.
We don’t work directly on people.
We send them influences,
suggestions.
We don’t make them act.
We can do nothing with this boy.
He does not field Us.
He is too scared and alone,
and he won’t listen to you.

That’s texture,
and he needs your paste creamy and smooth,
like you gave in the lucid dream
where you held him so tenderly.
Every chance you’ve had with him,
you’ve messed it up.
You are in the same shape he’s in,
unable to handle things,
a filibuster,
and Sandiya revels in this,
like you’ve suddenly lost your mind:
“See there! See there!”
Is that what the boy thinks?
He knows you’re dad.
You’re not given any slack.
Every mistake you make is exploited
for political gain,
and it’s not fair.

We’re tryin’ to arrange a room
where you and the boy can meet,
and there’s no one there yellin’ at yah
or tellin’ him what to say.
That’s Our next move.
Please be patient with Us,
as we take these world forces
and put them together.
They may not work.

This is terrible sweetheart,
and I know it,
but We’re lendin’ a helpin’ hand.
Can you come with Me I’m sorry?
You just want the boy in your arms,
and we’ve got to get back to a sadhana room.
You got so close
last time,
so very close.

What Insanity

On By Donny Lee DukeIn ego activism, PoetryLeave a comment
photos by author
Bless on shoulder
what got in there.
Very message
your message to Nithish.
That’s how he finds out
it’s in his room now.
How will I know he even reads it?
YouTube channel,
check there.
I’m a message there.

One step for the game.
Did the little boy see me?
In his underpants,
no dice.
He would’ve cried if he could.
He was on description.
It was long and short.
This buried him in memories.
Wherever he had imagined he would live,
never was it away from me.

We’ve got to get along here,
so we can get back together.
I don’t know fantasies.
I hate being played with.
I don’t know if he saw anything.
I only know it hurts deep inside,
and insanity has returned,
and the walls are closing in.
There’s no way outta here!

The passage of time is like hours
that crawl through hell,
and I am so deep underwater there’s no way up.
The waves a grief tear at my throat,
over and over again.
Oh little boy I would like this fantasy real,
and the Anarchs that play with me fuck you!
Are you in my description my wonderful little baby dog?

It’s a thumbnail
on your disease:
get me all this food.
Do you remember that?
How can you forget
our time together?
Where have those memories gone?
How do we find them?
I’m sittin’ here livin’ with ‘em,
and they bring on such tears.
They’re crowding my life away,
and I can’t see you anymore.

This is too much for me sure pet.
It’s the infinity in the room.
It’s eating me alive,
and I’d almost rather die than be here,
but I know that’s not true.
Death is hell.
I can’t do this.
I need relief from my pain.
You are gone forever aren’t you?
This I cannot take.

Your form is haunting me.
I feel you walk up to me
over and over.
It’s like you’re almost there.
I feel you live and breathe,
and this is too insane to think about,
but I feel you baby dog,
like you’re right here!

This is insane take,
and I don’t know what I’m doing with you,
and you’re all normal and not surprised
that you’ve forgotten grief.
I hate this undershed
upnoodle.
The ways of insanity go deep.
The Anarchs of pain have arrived,
and I will be shot dead soon.
We just have left the rifle shot.

Claustrophobic,
it’s the air I breathe.
It’s on my downtown,
and I can’t get outta here.
It tries in space and blows it apart,
and I just get snot on my nose.
Oh Nithish I love you Nithish.

Wait a minute,
that’s you,
actually you,
comin’ to me again.
Insanity by the hours,
I’m not goin’ crazy.
I'll be comin' for yah,
honey dog,
on the edge of tomorrow,
within the next fews days.
How do I know this is true?
Read my blog.
Put us together on WordPress.
Compliment to go,
I’m so excited.