The Function of Nithish

photos by the author

A poem by S. Nithish

I have started my journey.
I feel like I wanna be dead.
But why?
Someone have to stop this school before kids die.

I need help please stop these dictators.
Kids need power too if kids to live in this world in peace.
I ask myself God please help me.
Forsake have you?

It takes a power in India.
I let me talk of light/God I to the world.
I will be in heaven
if I am able to be in peace.

I have started my journey.
I am gonna see my old mind,
and I am gonna write till I see no more.
I seen God.
I need way to escape from reality.
Have they heard God or have they saw a kid talk to God?
Well I have a spark of power now.

I am in sea with sea monsters.
His eye was bigger than my head.
I feel ashamed of myself.

Chapter 2

I have started my journey.
Am I really pissed off?
I ask you that or do I ask me that maybe?
I should ask the world.

I shall be born again in my mind.
Please look me in the eye and talk to me.
They shot my head off,
threw me in fire,
stabbed me.

I can only hear the light,
but can you go?
I am stuck as one.
I am three,
but people only see one
and judge me looking at my face.

I tell them judge me after looking in my inner soul.
Are we kids gonna die without living life a little?
I am very strong my muse.
I have to protect the light from another somebody
from stealing it.

I always say goodnight,
sweet dreams,
but who’s there to that for me?
God help I am homeless.
I have opened my pen to write me.

This poem is a prevision of the future. Nithish wrote it from spiritual vision some months before the horrible situation he’s describing happened to him, when he was taken from my home by his mother, where he lived during the week, visiting his parents on the weekends. That is the journey he started. They did bad things to him, but the worst has been what they have done to his heart by doing Nazi-like things to him to kill his love for me and keep him from having contact of any kind with me, although for the first two months he called me in secret telling me of the abuse, and of course we have inner contact in spiritual vision, or I do; this also has been killed in him by his parents in their attempts to kill his love for me. He doesn’t write poetry anymore, no longer hears his muse, or very little.

I need to mention that school for Nithish is the worst thing in the world. He’s been badly abused for his dyslexia in school, both physically and emotionally, and his parents would never allow me to get him tested for the learning disability. But in this poem, school represents where he gets his life lessons, and that takes place at home too. The muse, the inner voice of poetry, uses the symbols that you know, and, if you have some preconceived idea, it won’t override it but use that in the place of what would more represent the truth. That’s going on here with his use of the word school to describe what is going on in his home with his parents.

He was not just split in two, having to have one face to his parents and another to me, but there was the Nithish alone to himself he had to try and honor also, and so when he’s speaking of being three people, not just one, that’s what he’s talking about. Since the source of his abuse came from his parents punishing him for continuing to love me and wanting to see me, not to mention betraying their bedroom sins to me, he became completely silent about me with anyone he didn’t trust, did not even mention my name, let alone say want to see me.

On the phone he told me that he had to do that because they were treating him very badly, like he was poison, because he had caused all this trouble for his family and brought shame on it, and so, he told me, he had put on a fake smile, but he was really sad inside. So he was one person to his family and another to me, and still another to himself. I cannot tell you what this does to a child, especially one that is right this very second beginning the body changes into adolescence. Mental illness of some sort will ensue at some point. If I am unable to bring him home, I believe the boy will become a psychopath like his father, who has murdered four men in cold blood for his gang.

The Meaning of Abuse

photo by the author

Can I see Nithish,
get in touch with Nithish?

Riot in the sky,
I see this as I’m putting Nithish to bed.
Oh my God it’s the sure I’d Lloyd I’d love to see you.
I’d like my heart back please,
pump when I see him.

Take one daddy to school with you.
How do I choose?
When did you loose the property?
When my mother gave daddy tears.
And if all else fails
don’t let him do my inner.
I’m holdin’ out for a special treatment.
He called.
He answered.
Daddy can talk to me again.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow? (line heard sung)
Where is he?
Why can’t I see him?

He’s incredible.
Show us a way
stay of execution.
Just take him,
I know where he’s at right now.
Generate a whole new record.
The door to your future
you just looking at me
to want to see me.
He turned around as soon as you said that.

To pick up Jesus,
tear a doll out of your breast.
You are hurting me,
go the distance.
The power has put his eyes out.
He bless Nithish.
Thank you for being so sweet.
Everything in my inner power I have done,
my power.

Stop treating me like this.
There’s one problem on the crimes:
I don’t believe you.
You’ll have a typical day at the office
not for long.
I’m mean to measure you,
show you to yourself.
Here I show you.

You are a horrible and wretched little boy.
As far as I know
you haven’t capital anything
except your playthings.
You will see this and fast.
I show this to him.
You will see art.
You are not a brother of the Sun.

You’re being recorded.
Easily jealous,
I will show you what you requested,
the courage to love in the face of defeat,
the courage to love in the face of death,
the courage to love when the one you love
could care less if you live or die.
You are incapable of this courage.
You are incapable of this love.
I give it to you yourself.

Do you see me Nithish?
That is wisdom:
love before anything else,
and my mean little boy,
who’s cut me out of his life and thrown me out in the street,
I honest to God do love you,
and I always will.
I’ve got to give it to you,
you horrible little boy,
so you don’t grow up
a psychopath,
the meaning of abuse.
There I see you.
வணக்கம்,
the world is watching.
What do you say?

Is this what I’m supposed to say to him?
It’s his difference
he appear on the outside
from the Nithish on the inside,
the Nithish that thinks and feels.
The world sees him
the Nithish on the outside
that is spoiled, rotten, and mean.
That’s what the world sees Nithish.
It’s unknown to you
the world can’t see your inner.
You’re a child that thinks and feels,
and you can’t measure the world yet.

How you think and what you feel
are so entirely big to you,
are louder than the world in front of your face,
so loud they fool you.
It is so loud in there
you think the world can see the inner you.
You need to open that up
and show the world what you’re made of.
Can you get a grasp on this Nithish?
If you do not now,
in your little boy self,
right now still in your tender days,
your life will be such a waste
it won’t even be possible to record.
Stand up for yourself now.
Stand up for you.

Can you hear me honey dog?
You know it’s time.
There, I’ve said my piece.
Is it still the meaning of abuse?
We gather abuse that way.
Give this to all people out there who care.

The Pressure of Unspoken Tears

The photo of Sri Aurobindo over my writing desk

ஆங்கிலப் பதிப்பிற்குப் பிறகுதான் தமிழ் மொழிபெயர்ப்பு.

Can you show me what he’s hiding?
Can you show me what he’s seen?
Twelve feet in him (horrible vision of Nithish drowning in an indoor swimming pool, only his face visible, on it terror and pain)
the psychological manipulation of his tears.
Where he bothered you:
he’s gonna have to clean up the horse
and the skin his mother gave him
and all his father’s done.
This has been gross, ugly, and mean.
It’s nonstop it hasn’t let up.
This is hurt him
deep in being’s ways.
His warm heart is gone.

He’s not himself.
He’s not even trying.
He would like to just go to bed.
He acts normal and sweet,
and then he flies off the handle at the slightest provocation.
He can’t deal with himself.
He’s scared to be alone.
He’s spends his time alone
in the middle of everybody.
He would like to kill himself sometimes.
He hates himself for giving in
to his parents.
He doesn’t know how to deal with the string between his legs.
It’s all confusing for him.

He doesn’t know where is up.
He would like to let go.
He doesn’t know how to talk
if anyone asks him about daddy.
He loves daddy,
but he can’t remember him properly.
He’s a very unhappy little boy
behind that smile of his,
and here’s where we find his pain:
he has to hide it,
or his parents get mad at him,
and here there is no relief.

Why is he crying his unwashed tears?
You would not hear a tear.
In the very beginning
this was shut up inside him
when his mother shut off those tears
to keep him from reminding her she’d done wrong
in taking him from daddy,
so abruptly,
so cruelly,
and so never see him again.
This broke the boy’s mind,
made him languish on himself,
took his heart and tore it in two
where no hope that it ever mend,
and this is what he carries around
to this day.

Now you laugh at him for being weak,
being such a titty-baby,
or you frown on him.
He’s never mentioned his daddy’s name
or that he wants to see him,
but he cannot speak I tell you,
and I’ve shown you all these gears inside,
but the day is coming
this boy will explode,
and he will tell everything
his parents have done to him
to make daddy a phantom in his mind
and a dead man in his heart.
To take this love this sweet boy had
and make him kill it in himself,
you have not seen this day
the boy lets all this out.
What do you think his silence is saying?
“I’m going to explode I’m going to explode.”
And there will be heart keeps
showing the world what he’s seen.
No one will doubt what his parents have done to him,
and no one will doubt what he needs.
He needs daddy.

That’s good for children.
They need to hear it,
and it’s eleven o’clock.
And who’s name do we use?
A fighting chance.
Where is the boy?
Emergency
who can’t be seen,
but you know he’s there.
Look in your photographs.
This will arrange things.
This is what he needs to see.
It’s good for him sweetheart.
Don’t worry.
This is not next year.
He’s coming upon this now,
and it’s a long ways away
from his certain grasp of himself.

He comes to her with such a smile,
and he knows I’m in pain.
It was your mother’s pride.
Will he hurt his daddy?
No my sweet boy
you’re okay with me,
and the festival tomorrow
we did run.
Did you know that?
Give it to him fiercely and nicely,
this boy’s destiny,
why so much pain.
He’s the poet of a sunrise,
and he will help children everywhere
from systems of abuse.

See you tomorrow
twisting,
turning,
and he knows there’s a difference
between what his mother tells him
and what I do.
This isn’t fair him.
You need to see his face.
There are bruises on it from a gifted childhood
right at the point
they put a said on the planet.
Are you game for watching heroes?
Watch this boy.
Now will you help?
I’d like to see him.
There.
சொல்லப்படாத கண்ணீரின் அழுத்தம்
அவர் மறைத்து வைத்திருப்பதைக் காட்ட முடியுமா?
அவர் பார்த்ததை எனக்குக் காட்ட முடியுமா?
அவருக்குள் பன்னிரெண்டு அடிகள்
அவரது கண்ணீரின் உளவியல் கையாளுதல். (உள்துறை நீச்சல் குளத்தில் மூழ்கி நித்திஷின் பயங்கரமான பார்வை, அவன் முகம் மட்டும் தெரியும், அதில் பயங்கரமும் வலியும்)
அவர் உங்களை எங்கே தொந்தரவு செய்தார்:
அவர் குதிரையை சுத்தம் செய்ய வேண்டும்
மற்றும் அவரது தாய் அவருக்கு கொடுத்த தோல்
மற்றும் அவரது தந்தை செய்த அனைத்தும்.
இது மொத்தமாகவும், அசிங்கமாகவும், மோசமானதாகவும் இருந்தது.
இது இடைவிடாது அது விடவில்லை.
இது அவரை காயப்படுத்துகிறது
இருப்பின் வழிகளில் ஆழமாக.
அவரது சூடான இதயம் போய்விட்டது.

அவர் தானே இல்லை.
அவர் முயற்சி செய்வதும் இல்லை.
அவர் படுக்கைக்குச் செல்ல விரும்புகிற.
அவர் இயல்பாகவும் இனிமையாகவும் செயல்படுகிறார்,
பின்னர் அவர் கைப்பிடியில் இருந்து பறக்கிறது சிறிய ஆத்திரமூட்டலில்.
அவர் தன்னை சமாளிக்க முடியாது.
அவர் தனியாக இருக்க பயப்படுகிறார்.
அவர் தனது நேரத்தை தனியாக செலவிடுகிறார்
அனைவருக்கும் நடுவில்.
சில சமயங்களில் தன்னைக் கொல்ல விரும்புவார்.
விட்டுக்கொடுப்பதற்காக அவர் தன்னை வெறுக்கிறார்
அவரது பெற்றோருக்கு.
அவர் கால்களுக்கு இடையில் இருக்கும் சரத்தை எப்படி சமாளிப்பது என்று தெரியவில்லை.
அவனுக்கு எல்லாமே குழப்பமாக இருக்கிறது.

அவனுக்கு தெரியாது எந்த திசையில் எந்த திசையில் மேலே செல்ல வேண்டும்.
அவர் விட்டுவிட விரும்புகிறார்.
அவருக்குப் பேசத் தெரியாது
அப்பாவைப் பற்றி யாராவது அவரிடம் க daddy.
அவர் daddy நேசிக்கிறார்,
ஆனால் முடியாது ஆனால் அவரை சரியாக நினைவில் கொள்ள முடியவில்லை.
அவர் இப்போது மிகவும் மகிழ்ச்சியற்ற சிறு பையன்.
அவன் புன்னகையின் பின்னால்
அவருடைய வலியை இங்கே காணலாம்:
அவர் அதை மறைக்க வேண்டும்
அல்லது அவனுடைய பெற்றோர் அவன் மீது கோபம் கொள்கிறார்கள்,
மற்றும் இங்கே நிவாரணம் இல்லை.

கழுவாத கண்ணீரை ஏன் அழுகிறார்?
நீங்கள் கண்ணீர் கேட்க மாட்டீர்கள்.
ஆரம்பத்திலேயே
இது அவருக்குள் மூடியிருந்தது
அவன் அம்மா அந்த கண்ணீரை அணைத்த போது
அவள் தவறு செய்ததை அவளுக்கு நினைவூட்டுவதைத் தடுக்க
daddy விடமிருந்து அவரை அழைத்துச் செல்வதில்,
மிகவும் திடீரென்று,
மிகவும் கொடூரமாக,
அதனால் அவன் daddy வை இனி பார்க்கவே மாட்டான்.
அது சிறுவனின் மனதை உடைத்தது மனம்.
இது அவனை தன்னுள் புதைத்துக்கொள்ள வைத்தது.
இது அவரது இதயத்தை எடுத்து இரண்டாகப் பிரித்தது,
மற்றும் அது எப்பொழுதும் சரியாகும் என்ற நம்பிக்கை இல்லை.
அவர் இதை எல்லா இடங்களிலும் கொண்டு செல்கிறார்
இந்த நாள் வரைக்கும்.

இப்போது நீங்கள் மிகவும் சிறிய பையனைப் போல நடந்த கொள்வதற்காக அவரைப் பார்த்து சிரிக்கிறீர்கள்
அல்லது நீங்கள் அவரை முகம் சுளிக்கிறீர்கள்.
அவர் daddy வின் பெயரைக் குறிப்பிடவில்லை,
அல்லது அவர் அவரைப் பார்க்க விரும்புகிறார்.
ஆனால் அவரால் பேச முடியாது, நான் உங்களுக்கு சொல்கிறேன்.
இந்த கியர்களை எல்லாம் அவருக்குள் காட்டியிருக்கிறேன்.
ஆனால் நாள் வருகிறது
இந்த சிறுவன் வெடிக்கப் போகிறான் என்று.
அவர் எல்லாவற்றையும் சொல்வார்
அவரது பெற்றோர் செய்தார்கள்
அதனால் அவர் daddy வை ஒரு மாயத்தோற்றம் என்று நினைப்பார் அவரது மனதில்
மற்றும் அவரது இதயத்தில் ஒரு இறந்த மனிதன்.
இந்த இனிய சிறுவனை daddy மீதான காதலை கொல்ல வைக்க,
இந்த நாளை நீங்கள் பார்க்கவில்லை
சிறுவன் அதையெல்லாம் வெளியே விடுகிறான்.
அவருடைய மௌனம் என்ன சொல்கிறது என்று நினைக்கிறீர்கள்?
"நான் வெடிக்கப் போகிறேன், நான் வெடிக்கப் போகிறேன்."
மற்றும் அவர் தனது இதயத்தில் என்ன வைத்திருக்கிறார்
அவர் பார்த்ததை உலகுக்குக் காட்டுகிறது.
அவனுடைய பெற்றோர் அவனுக்கு என்ன செய்தார்கள் என்று யாரும் சந்தேகிக்க மாட்டார்கள்.
அவருக்கு என்ன தேவை என்பதை யாரும் சந்தேகிக்க மாட்டார்கள்.
அவருக்கு daddy தேவை.

அது குழந்தைகளுக்கு நல்லது.
அவர்கள் அதைக் கேட்க வேண்டும்.
இப்போது மணி பதினொன்று.
மேலும் யாருடைய பெயரைப் பயன்படுத்துகிறோம்?
ஒரு சண்டை வாய்ப்பு.
பையன் எங்கே?
நெருக்கடி
யாரை பார்க்க முடியாது,
ஆனால் அவர் அங்கு இருக்கிறார் என்பது உங்களுக்குத் தெரியும்.
உங்கள் புகைப்படங்களில் பாருங்கள்.
இது விஷயங்களை ஏற்பாடு செய்யும்.
அவர் பார்க்க வேண்டியது இதுதான்.
இது அவருக்கு நல்லது அன்பே.
கவலைப்படாதே.
இது அடுத்த வருடம் அல்ல.
அவர் இப்போது இதைப் பற்றி வருகிறார்,
மற்றும் அது வெகு தொலைவில் உள்ளது
இப்போது அவர் தன் மீது வைத்திருக்கும் பிடியில் இருந்து.

அவர் ஒரு புன்னகையுடன் அவளிடம் வருகிறார்,
மற்றும் நான் வலியில் இருக்கிறேன் என்பதை அவர் அநாங்கள் தலைமை தாங்கினோம் என்றுறிவார்.
அது உன் தாயின் பெருமை.
அவர் daddy வை காயப்படுத்துவாரா?
இல்லை என் இனிய பையன்
நான் உன்னுடன் நன்றாக இருக்கிறேன்.
மற்றும் நாளை திருவிழா
நாங்கள் தலைமை தாங்கினோம் என்று.
உனக்கு அதை பற்றி தெரியுமா?
அதை அவருக்கு கடுமையாகவும் அழகாகவும் கொடுங்கள்,
இந்த பையனின் விதி,
ஏன் இவ்வளவு வலி.
அவர் ஒரு சூரிய உதயத்தின் கவிஞர்,
மற்றும் அவர் எல்லா இடங்களிலும் குழந்தைகளுக்கு உதவுவார்
துஷ்பிரயோகம் செய்யப்படுவதிலிருந்து.

நாளை சந்திப்போம்,
என்று திருப்புவதும் முறுக்குவதும்.
ஒரு வித்தியாசம் இருப்பதை அவர் அறிவார்
அவனுடைய அம்மா அவனிடம் சொல்வதிலிருந்து
மற்றும் நான் என்ன செய்கிறேன்.
இது அவருக்கு நியாயமில்லை.
அவன் முகத்தைப் பார்க்க வேண்டும்.
ஒரு திறமையான குழந்தை பருவத்திலிருந்தே அதில் காயங்கள் உள்ளன
என்று புள்ளியில் உள்ளது
முழு கிரகமும் அதைப் பற்றி பேசியது.
ஹிரோஸ் பார்க்க வேண்டுமா?
இப்போது நீங்கள் உதவுவீர்களா?
தயவுசெய்து அவரைப் பார்க்க எனக்கு உதவுங்கள்.
அங்கு.

I Give You Sandiya

Get her to speak with me.
Ger her to understand
her fear of losing Nithish
makes her abuse Nithish.
She says she’s stopped beating him?
It’s not a conscious choice she makes.
She gets angry
and loses control of herself
and beats him.
It’s her character.
He will tell that.

Now, about abuse:
she will not let him see me,
even for a short visit,
so to abuse him for preferring me over her.
Yes momma I’m happy with you.
What he’s really saying:
yes momma I’m scared of you.
Why won’t he mention daddy?
Why won’t he fight for the right to see daddy?

I cannot speak of him
in front of you,
and I’m on his side.
You don’t understand I cannot speak.
The fear of you is so big inside,
the fear of you mother,
who has beat me, slapped me, brainwashed me
for these past two months,
so much so I cannot even speak,
physically cannot speak,
on daddy’s side
in front of you.
I am too scared of you.

Now Sandiya is this my muse talking or is this Nithish?
Are you hiding from yourself the truth?
Nithish loves you but prefers to be with me.
Nithish is happy with me.
He is not very happy with you.
Nithish wants to live with me
and visit you.
These things are facts
in that boy’s mind and heart,
and stop lying to yourself about it.
He feels that way.

When you make him speak against his will,
you smother his identity and abuse him.
Abuse is more than the hit of a hand
or the handle of a genital.
It’s forcing that child to do things against his will.
It’s suppressing him own identity.
It’s not letting him be who he is.
It’s making him be who you want him to be.
You are so self-satisfied,
so sure you have his loyalty,
but when you kept him from even greeting me,
after two months of such emotional torment,
his and mine,
you crossed the line.
He will tell on you now.
Wait and see.

But why does it have to come to that?
Can you just put a stop to your hate and desire for revenge?
Can you consider the welfare of your child
more than you needing your child?
Can you do what’s best for Nithish?
You know that is seeing and being with me.

It doesn’t mean he’s not with you.
It just means your fantasy that he’s your baby is not true.
He’s his own self
and is too big to be someone’s baby.
I am a man,
and at his age,
he identifies with more with males.

His father has been a weekend dad all his life.
I have been with that boy hundreds of days more than his father,
and whatever you say about the boys I’ve raised,
Sundar is a murderer.
He has killed at least four people my advocate told me.
What a role model for Nithish,
and now he’s using his gang
to threaten Asiya,
to beat him up or even kill him,
and you yourself Sandiya are giving that threat.
What business is this for good parents?
That is evil and you know it.
Asiya did not hurt you,
did not give you heart pain or grief,
only helped me to ease mine,
to do the right thing
and help Nithish and I see each other,
and you know that is good and proper in God’s eyes.

Can I show you a hidden example?
A mutual friend Sudhan,
you gave him a story to give to me.
Call up daddy.
Tell him you went in my house for a drink of water.
Nithish was there alone.
Tell him you asked Nithish about daddy.
Nithish said I only love my mother,
and I don’t care about anything else,
a blatant big lie,
a spinning web of psychological manipulation.
Now Sudhan told me you had him do this to me.
Imagine what you are doing to Nithish.
This is just one example.
When this is over,
people will come forward with more.
You’re being evil Sandiya,
just evil.

You are willfully being bad,
as bad as you can to me,
for reasons I don’t clearly understand.
You would kill me if you could get away with it.
That’s how much you hate me.
Is it at bottom
really because
Nithish prefers me
to you?
Is that the reason for all this hate?

Now pull him up on the carpet.
Ask him to reassure you again
how much he loves you.
How many times have you done that?
Do you chose me over daddy, do you chose me over daddy,
do you chose me over daddy?
He’s very afraid of you.
He will tell you whatever you want to hear,
because he’s scared of you,
not because he loves you.
You say if he spent time with me away from you
he would change his mind.
What does that mean?
He would realize how he truly feels,
and you are scared of that?
You are not secure in his loyalty to you,
are you?

In the eyes of God,
please,
allow Nithish and I to see each other without your interference,
just for a short time the first time.
Then we can go from there,
and we can make peace again in our family
for the children’s sake.
It’s up to you Sandiya.
It’s your decision.
You hold the power
for now.
Will you do what’s right?

Hear a dog’s life.
We question Nithish.
He’s on the short end of the stick at home,
the author of all these Facebook problems.
He’s in trouble.
He suffers so much for loving me.
His mother ruins him for it.
What can I do but cry?

Okay I have the strength of poetry,
and I’m using it for Nithish.
You think I’m stupid,
a fool,
just some crazy old man?
I love my boy,
and if it comes to that
I will lay down my life for him
to get him the help he needs.

He’s lost so much weight.
He looks hollow and empty inside
by the look on his face.
I hear his behavior is erratic.
He’s volatile and tells lots of lies.
He’s not sure of himself.
A personality change has occurred
since he was taken from my home
a happy and plump little boy.
The mother is ignoring this,
his state,
his rapid deterioration.

To anyone that confronts her
about letting the boy see me,
she’s flies off the handle
and screams at them to stay out of it,
even to close relatives.
That’s the mother he has.
Now that’s Sandiya.
Can you please help?